i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
