I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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