he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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