the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
