dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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