dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
