Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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