she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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