The best revenge is premature balding
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
