I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
