I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
