You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
