1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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