So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
