I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
