So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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