I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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