so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
