I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
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