It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
