Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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