I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I wear drunk well.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
