did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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