I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
