There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
