Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
