I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
