that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
