I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish I only lived at night.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
