I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
