there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
