Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
