I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
