u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
