8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
