One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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