I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
