God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
