Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
