$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
