i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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