There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
