i just had sex bonerless
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
