my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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