Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
