I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
