just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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