Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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