Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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