i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Sext me about skeletons
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
